Life is Chaos, Chaos is Change.

I have talked a bit about my C-PTSD and where it stems from; but I haven’t really touched on all the ways it has been impacting my life. That reads really nice, doesn’t it? In my head it was more like, What the ever-loving fuck is going on, why has this happened, what’s going on, and where the hell am I heading? What-The-Actual-Fuck.

So, back around December, the all-knowing prescribers sent both my wife and I into a medically induced spiral of epic proportions that has led us to a point where it is a miracle that we are still together. Being given the wrong medications is bad. Being given the wrong medications and then doubling them when they aren’t working is worse. Doing all of this and then ignoring us is just …I just can’t.

I am not going to be taking anyone’s inventory here except my own, of course. It’s just that I often feel lost; like I am out on a dark ocean, at night, with nothing around me except for the sensation of being pulled along to somewhere, I know not where.

Lately the weather has been improving, so I have been able to get back to my physical training. I spent the long holiday running, cycling, swimming, and just soaking in as much sunlight as I could. I still feel like something is missing. That is really the point of this blog; to toss out some of the million things rushing around in my head in the hopes that somehow it might help make sense of things.

I stopped working cases several years ago. I stopped having private appointments with people to help connect them with their loved ones years ago. I had reached a point where I was starting to doubt….everything. If you live with death every single moment of your life for years on top of years, it takes a toll. So, I began having a crisis of faith. Where I had once been extremely spiritiual and could give spiritual advice and lectures for hours; the words now began to taste like sawdust and sounded flat to my own ears. When nothing makes sense anymore, how can I help others?

So I have taken a long sabbatical from….well, everything almost. Recently, I have realized that this has not helped. Running away from who we are does not help anything. I need to reconnect to…something.

I am not sure where I am going with this. I am getting ready for my next therapy appointment this afternoon and maybe it has me being all introspective and shit..lol. You like how I tried to go all “gansta” there with the “and shit”?

Ok, well, I think I’m funny…lol

3 thoughts on “Life is Chaos, Chaos is Change.”

  1. The weather change is important. Your profession and trauma….. similar to trauma in my profession. Interesting how a reader and a writer can connect through letters placed together with spaces between the blocks and connect through some “trigger”. Very interesting in deed….

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, I imagine the two traumas are very similar. That would be interesting to discuss sometime. I also have a professional career that is far less traumatic and pays the bills; but I always have to come back to talking about the other.

      And yes, it is most interesting, is it not? From both directions. I find myself waiting for your next post

      Like

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